


The Adventures of a Taco Loving Meme as he Celebrates Another Trip Around the Sun

by orphan_account



Category: South Park
Genre: Birthday, Crack, Food, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-10
Updated: 2017-04-10
Packaged: 2018-10-17 10:22:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,775
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10592031
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: First off, happy birthday Clyde!!!There's some weird part of me that really loves documenting Clyde eating things, so there's some of that here. Don't take this too seriously. (Rated T mostly for immature dick jokes and other such humor sprinkled in)





	

As the earth follows its path in the cosmos, there is but one day that I look forward to above the others: my birthday. Christmas just isn’t the same now that my always buys me clothes. Halloween is a disappointment because everybody tells me to grow up and to stop dressing up. Valentine’s day is merely a day for me to become acquainted with my right hand. But with a day dedicated to myself, the sky’s the limit. 

Being a person of much spontaneity and voracity, I have my sights on the local diner, a place I would never venture to typically without a hangover. However, I just know that I can manage to get a free stack of pancakes if I tell the waitress about my self-anniversary I can picture the warm, buttery stacks of batter cascading with sweet, viscous deliciousness already. Just the thought is enough to make my mouth water and my pelvic region tingle. This will be a pilgrimage for the ages, an epic tale spoken of by village elders to their children and subsequently turned into a bestselling novel worthy of great accolades. 

A dingy, off-white wifebeater and red flannel pajama pants are my apparel of choice for this journey. Today is a special day, but not necessarily a day for showering and dressing nicely. Besides, what’s the point of wearing something freshly pressed or steamed or whatever. Who am I, Token wearing a suit and tie that will probably never see the light of day again? Let’s be real, my charm and good looks make up for my shoddy wardrobe choice. 

I make my way to the diner, deciding to walk rather than drive. What’s a grand adventure without the long walk along a scenic path? Not a very good one, that’s for sure. Besides, maybe if I opt to do the extra walking, maybe I'll be able to eat something extra later on. It's a win-win situation, really. I turn on my tunes, get a nice, comfy walking pace, and make the journey of a thousand miles (okay, it's only like one or two miles at most, but you get the picture). 

Just as I get to getting anywhere of use, Craig has to be an asshole and throw something at me. I was threatened. I could have died. How dare he? But then I take the time to look at it, and notice it's just a hoodie with a pizza and french fries graphic on it, tied up in a cheap ribbon. The ribbon doesn't even match the color of the hoodie, so it's really clashing and ruins the effect. I can't blame him though, especially given the outfit I'm in now. I ask him if he wants to come with me and get breakfast, but he declines, saying he has something better to do. Hmmph, he better be planning my birthday party with that kind of Negative Nancy attitude. I thank him and go on my merry way. 

After what felt like hours of hard labor (which was apparently only 30 minutes of walking according to my phone), I finally made it to my destination, my Mecca, my diner. Now I'm no Guy Fieri, but I know a good diner when I see one, and this is definitely one of them, right here, right now. I slip on my hoodie and a pair of shades, and strut my way into the stainless steel doors. Not a single person notices me. How rude. Well, that's a lie... my waitress noticed me. But like, that's her job so it only half counts. Next time I'll wear something nicer, I guess. 

I order my usual ham and cheese omelet with hash browns, white toast, and orange juice, y'know because free food only comes with a purchase. And then I let out those magic words: "Today's my birthday, so I'm here for my free pancakes." But then, like a wrench through my fragile heart, she tells me they don't serve birthday pancakes anymore. It was the utmost betrayal. But I was going to order them anyways, because I'd be damned before I gave up on those clouds of glutinous heaven. Now it probably would have been a good idea to cancel the other part of my order since I was paying for the pancakes already, but I figured I was going to eat them anyways, so I should just order them out of spite (although it's really only my wallet taking the beating here). 

My orange juice arrives, and I slowly sip at the tart, concentrated beverage. As the cheesy 50s music blares through the restaurant, I start to contemplate just how worth it all this has been so far. But then when my food eventually arrives, my worries fade as I'm overtaken by the sweet, sweet smell of butter and pure ecstasy. If I was the type of guy to take pictures of food and post them on Instagram, this would have gotten tons of hype. A low, primal growl comes from the pits of my belly, and just like that, I'm going to town on this shit. 

Now I'm cooler and far more attractive than Gordon Ramsay, so that makes me a shoo-in for critiquing food. So this is my review: I think I might have came on myself when I took my first bite (or maybe it was syrup, but there was something sticky) so you know it's gotta be good. Hell, I've only taken five bites and I'm already formulating this review. Maybe I'm jumping the gun. Perhaps I need to eat the rest just to make sure. If I didn't get kicked out for moaning as I ate last time I was here, that would be exactly what I would be doing right now. It's just that good. 

By the time I finish, I'm glad I decided today was a stretchy pants day because buttons wouldn't stand a chance. I kinda want to take a nap, and so nap I shall. I leave my money on my table, leaving a bit of an extra tip for letting me get some shut-eye. Without a second thought, I put my arms on the table and rest my head. And just like that, I'm out like a light. 

I wasn't sure just how long I was out, but judging by the trajectory of the sun and my phone telling me it was 4pm, I got an estimate of about 5 hours or so. They were definitely nice for not disturbing me for that long, but I need to leave now. I thank everybody for being so nice, and I walk out as awesome feeling as I walked in. 

The walk home is a nondescript one. Why should I talk about my walk home if you listened to my walk over? It was the same, except nothing was thrown at me this time. And now I'm complaining, great. This is dumb. Pretend this part of the story doesn't exist. 

I finally re-enter Casa Donovan, but something is... wrong. I don't know what it is but I feel a disturbance in the Force. God dammit, I really gotta stop sitting with Kevin at lunchtime. But yeah, there is some weird nonsense going on. Maybe it'll go away after I use the bathroom. 

[The following paragraph was redacted because talking about using the bathroom is weird.] 

I wash my hands like a respectable human being and unlock the bathroom door, only to nearly have a heart attack as my four closest friends shout 'happy birthday' at me. I swear, I just used the facilities, but I could have pissed myself after that debacle. But surprisingly enough, it wasn't me that screamed, but Tweek. Okay, that isn't all that surprising actually. If I wasn't happy that they remembered, I would have probably punched one of them in the dick. Probably Craig, just because he's Craig. 

Token blindfolds me, which is kinda kinky (I swear I only like him as a friend), but that's beside the point. At this point, there are two probable situations. One: Jimmy is gonna whack me with one of his crutches and Craig will make a comment about how they couldn't afford a pinata so they settled for me, to which I will say that Token has loads of cash; or Two: I'm being led downstairs to a sweet ass party. A minute or so later, I’m glad to find my blindfold is gone and that they opted for option two this year. 

These sons-of-bitches went all out this time: A two-tiered chocolate cake covered in beautiful frosting roses and fancy chocolate curls. But the real show stopper was the massive burrito sitting in front of it. I shit you not, this thing was the size of a newborn baby. I know one thing, that baby is gonna go straight into this daddy's stomach. Actually, forget I said that daddy part. That doesn't change the fact that I'm going to vore that thing straight down. You know what, forget that sentence, too? Hmm, in fact, let's just move on. 

Now, as much as I love my friends and whatever, this was a meal that required privacy, intimacy even. I tell them to go into the next room as I introduce myself to the massive smorgasbord in front of me. I started slowly, taking note of the myriad of flavors dancing about in my mouth. Don't get me wrong, this burrito was dense as hell, but aside from the hoodie, it was the only gift I got. I couldn't let it go to waste. I'm sure the leftovers wouldn't heat well. 

It probably took me three hours just to get through half of this Colossus of a meal. If I ate another bite, however, I probably would have burst at the seams. I summoned the others back into the kitchen. I needed them to transfer me to the couch. How bad could it be between them? I only weigh 100 pounds... on Mars. Boy, am I glad to have friends like them, otherwise I probably would have been lying on the ground in a pool of vomit, tears, and leftover burrito. 

Tweek and Jimmy were nice enough to grab me a pillow and a blanket, while Token turned on a video game for me to play. Craig even rubbed my tummy after I begged him and nearly cried. His bony hands are surprisingly good at making me feel less sick. I don't know what else this birthday will bring, but I can rest easy knowing that I have four awesome dudes here by my side. 

 

Also dick. That's all.

**Author's Note:**

> I lost steam at the end, but that's what I get for putting off this fic until the last minute. No plotting, we blindly write like men


End file.
